Measure In Cats

“What is life? Life is the battle against sodium.”

Over 70% of the energy we consume is spent by ion pumps working against the passive diffusion of sodium into our cells; which, left unchecked, is lethal.


For those of us who are scientifically inclined, life is a war on our socially backward nature. We become fluent in Blind Date, in Simpsons, and in Friends; we wait to divulge our Star Trek obsession.

But we can’t always win and one November a broken heater and frozen pipes took my will to fight. I surrendered at the Dollar a Pound used clothing store. Someone’s blind great aunt surely had spent months crocheting the sweater I bought that day. It’s large, convex, and features a purple and blue pattern that would make your grandma's afghan cringe.

My friends measured the horror of the sweater in “cats", a scale based on the principle that while a cat per person in a household is fine, more than that quickly becomes. . . not. My purchase weighed in at four -- the equivalent of a cat in my arms, one on each shoulder, and one on my head.

But, I was completely defeated. I could see my breath in the house and in the interest of warmth and comfort, the sweater was layer number five: T-shirt, long-sleeve shirt, turquoise windbreaker, traffic-cop orange fleece, and IT.

With the advent of spring, my strength was restored. The sweater was banished to the bottom of my closet and I emerged once again capable of living within the societal norm.